Bette Chimes in on the Tiger Mom

Many of you have heard about "The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother".  This is a new book recently released about "Chinese parenting" wherein parents are demanding of extreme high achievement from their children, regardless of what they have to do to get there.  The author, Amy Chua, has been under fire throughout the media for her parenting style and has been called abusive, among other things.  She was interviewed on television and then came back for another after the onslaught of media attention and outrage.  Time Magazine even came out with a cover article that asks, "Is she on to something?" 

The good news is that she's gotten people thinking and talking about parenting.  I always love that! She's raising two very accomplished daughters...who are we to argue with that?  But at what cost?

First, I have to confess that I have not yet read her book.  I am planning on it, but the buzz is now, so I thought I would chime in based upon the interviews I've heard and the articles I've read.  So, I apologize in advance if some of my information is without context or misinformed. 

Parents often tell me that the tools that I caution parents against actually work, so they're not willing to stop using them.  I always say, "I don't argue with something that works for you. It's just my opinion and everyone has to do what works for them."  However, there are sometimes unforeseen consequences of those choices that parents later come into my office and wonder how to remedy the aftermath.  I wonder what those will be for Dr. Chua and her daughters.

Amy Chua has admitted to calling her children "trash" and other insulting things in an effort to make them strong and motivate them.  From my perspective, that just creates anger, hurt, resentment and models very disrespectful treatment of another human.  Especially one that she loves!  I focus on modeling the kinds of behaviors we hope our kids will emulate when they become adults.  Calling anyone anything unkind is not a behavior I would want my child to copy.  Dr. Chua would probably argue that she hopes her daughters will raise their children in the same manner. 

Dr. Chua (she's a professor at Yale, along with her Jewish husband) has also chosen a very difficult path of parenting her children in a style that is common for Chinese families, but she is raising her children in America.  Therefore, she doesn't have the support of her community and the other parents around.  This can potentially cause her children to feel "different" and socially outcasted.

Ok, rather than judging, let's look at the aspects of Dr. Chua's perspective that may have some merit.  She says that "she is shocked and horrified at how much time Westerners allow their kids to waste - hours on Facebook and computer games - and in some ways, how poorly they prepare them for the future. It's a tough world out there!"  Herein lies the fear that motivates her.  She's afraid her own daughters will not be motivated nor equipped to handle life as adults.  I get that!  Many parents are over-indulging their kids and cushioning the blows that life hands out.  Are we crippling our kids or loving them and trusting that they'll figure it out when the time comes?  In addition, she lives in a world of achievers - being a professor at Yale is no small feat, not to mention that she is surrounded by students who all got into Yale!  She wants her own children to achieve on a similar level and this is how she has chosen to accomplish it.

There has to be a healthy place in the middle somewhere between coddling and playing taskmaster.  Dr. Chua describes forcing her 7 year old daughter to play a song on the violin over and over, through dinner and into the night with no breaks for water or the bathroom until she mastered the piece.  One could argue that this teaches perseverance and the understanding of pushing through the discomfort to achieve mastery.  Again, at what cost?  Will she grow to hate her mother?  Will she grow to hate the violin?  Will she become angry and bitter because she wasn't given the love and compassion she really needed at that age?  (At least in that situation)  From my perspective, a child can learn the same lessons, but it doesn't have to happen all in one night.  The same lessons of commitment to an instrument and perseverance toward mastery can all be taught and learned without abusive words and/or actions. 

I believe that this whole brouhaha could end up being a blessing.  Why not swing the pendulum a little more toward higher expectations of our kids, rather than overindulging them on all levels?  We can certainly learn from Dr. Chua's perspectives, however, let's keep things moderate by avoiding abusive tactics and unkindnesses toward our kids!

Wishing you balance,

Bette

New Year, New Life...

As New Years' Eve is almost upon us, rather than continuing to look back, (as all of the TV stations are doing) let's look ahead!  What's on the agenda for you for 2011? 

I have big plans!  I'm starting a doctorate program January 1st (what am I thinking?)  I finished my Masters program 21 years ago and I feel as though it's time to update my education!  In a field that's only around 60+ years old, being out of school for 20 years means that I've missed the last third of the research!  Time to remedy that!

I continue to participate in the Good Morning America Advice Guru Search - which, of course, I hope will continue into 2011 and beyond!  Whatever happens with it, I know that I'm meant to reach large numbers of people and I'm ready to do just that! 2011 is going to be a big year for me!  I have a lot of work to do in this world and I'm more ready than ever to do it!

So, I begin the New Year with bigger thinking than ever, bigger goals than ever before and bigger wishes for you all for YOUR big dreams to come true this year! 

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!  Feel free to share your wishes and dreams for the coming year for yourself and for others!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Reflections on 2010

Well, it's hard to believe that 2010 is coming to a close in only 11 days.  How is that possible?  Time certainly seems to be running in fast-forward right now.  The days go slowly, but the years seem to fly by!  My kids have grown a year older and I'm so proud of all they have accomplished.  They are truly becoming the young women I'd hoped they would become. They are 3 of the many things for which I'm so grateful! I love you, girls!

2010 was a bittersweet year for me, as most are.  There were amazing successes and accomplishments and there were sad and unimaginable losses...a reminder for us all that life is to be embraced and lived to the fullest, because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

The most important lesson that I take away from this past year is that we can get through it all - the good, the bad and the mundane.  All we need is some good, old-fashioned support of our loving family and friends and a positive attitude that tomorrow will be a better day.  On the tough days, hope is all we have and we must remember to have huge amounts of gratitude on the good days.

So, here's to a happy, healthy, successful, dreams-come-true and growth-filled 2011 for us all! 

Please feel free to share your hopes and goals for the New Year!

The Holiday Crazies

The holiday season comes with much joy and some baggage, too! For example, gifts to buy for so many (and enough money for only a few), parties to enjoy and some to merely tolerate, traveling to be with family, or having family travel to be with you...it's all wonderful and it's also a lot of work!

Be kind to yourself this holiday season and simplify, simplify, simplify!!! In lieu of gifts this year, make a donation to a worthy charity on behalf of those you care about. Perhaps get the same gift that will appeal to many of the people on your list making shopping easier. How about online shopping? Have those gifts delivered to your house directly! Easy!  Choose recipes that don't take all day to give yourself a little extra time.

Be kind to yourself and to others to maximize the joy of this wonderful season!

No matter what you celebrate, I wish you and your family the happiest, joy-filled, and wishes-come-true holiday season!

More gratitude thoughts...

If you pay close attention, there's so much to be grateful for in each day.  A freshly bathed child smells heavenly! (My daughter just let me smell her after her shower.)  The colors of the leaves in my neighborhood are magnificent! Nature is definitely the most creative painter with color!  Today, I was stuck in the canyon trying to get over the hill to Malibu to visit my dear friend, Heidi.  They were doing so much construction that traffic was literally stopped.  We didn't move for nearly 20 minutes when I decided to take another route.  It took me more than twice the expected amount of time to arrive at her beautiful home, but I was grateful for the breathtaking views along the way that I never would have seen had I taken the direct road.  I'm not always aware of living in such a beautiful place! Once I arrived at Heidi's home, I was blessed with the reminders of dear friendship, I was moved by the absolute awe-inspiring beauty of our coastline and as Heidi calls it, the "diamonds in the water" as the sun reflected off of the ocean water.

I feel so grateful, as we inch our way towards Thanksgiving next week, to live in such a beautiful place and to be able to have the opportunities to take time to truly enjoy the view!

I Wish Thanksgiving was a Month-Long!

November has become my favorite month of the year.  The weather is beginning to cool, the leaves are changing color, the breeze is blowing and Thanksgiving is only a matter of days away.  I've always thought that Thanksgiving gets a raw deal.  It's sandwiched between the spooky and sugary days of Halloween and the indulgent, jolly days of Christmas and Hanukkah. 

From my perspective, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all.  Ok, I love the turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie eating that lasts for days and I love the family time of being with relatives from far and near, but truthfully, those aren't my favorite parts of Thanksgiving. 

Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks; being grateful and expressing it! How cool is that? While we spend a lot of time giving gifts and receiving gifts all year long, how wonderful to have a day that's just about being thankful for what we already have!  Here are some rituals that I love to do with my family around Thanksgiving!

• I post gratitude quotes all around my house like decorations
• I have a plain white tablecloth on the coffee table along with colored Sharpies and everyone who comes for Thankgiving must write the things for which they are thankful with their name and the date. This has turned out to be a very precious ritual as we have lost some dear family members and going back and reading what they wrote in years past is comforting.
• Use past years' gratitude tablecloths as this year's food table cloth.  (Using a plastic cover, of course)  It's colorful and filled with special meaning for us all!
• Gratitude is a common topic of discussion this month.  We talk about that for which we are grateful and remember how lucky we really are.  (This is a great practice for any time of year!)

I encourage every family to create their own Thanksgiving rituals! Giving some real time and attention to Thanksgiving communicates to our kids that we believe in its importance.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Trapped Miners Touch the Hearts of the World

I don't know about you, but I was rivetted to the television for 23 hours as the trapped miners were brought to the surface one-by-one.  I cried as each was reunited with family (we won't mention the mistress in THIS blog post - but it is a great subject for another day!)  Everyone I talked to had been watching, too, and commented on what a miracle it was and the jubilation in what could have been a huge tragedy.

I can't help but think that we are all touched by this story because we all feel trapped in some way or another.  We all want to be optimistic that we will be liberated from our confinement (real or imagined) and we were just shown proof positive that it happens! 

I hear from parents every day in my private practice that raising kids is harder than they thought it would be.  They feel stuck and even victimized by their kids' behavior.  Let's look more closely at the miners and what they have to teach us about staying sane under challenging circumstances. 

• Like the miners didn't anticipate the 69 days of isolation, many parents don't anticipate the feelings they experience when they become parents. Isolation, fear, stuck-with-nowhere-to-go, wondering if and how they'll get through it, looking for hope and tools for coping.
• Adjustment to the unknown - It took 17 days for the outside world to find out if the miners were alive and to let the miners know they were working on their rescue.  When we bring our little ones home, it takes at least that long to figure out what the heck we are doing, what the cries mean, what life will look like now on so many levels and the adjustments continue for about the next 20 years and beyond!
• Order and structure - One of the most important things that the miners did was to develop a hierarchy and a sense of order in their days. Someone had to be in charge, there had to be routines.  The same is true for our families.  Our kids need to know that we are the leaders, we will take care of the big decisions,  and that we know what's best and will act accordingly. Kids need to know that there are rules and boundaries and that those don't change from day to day.  That order and consistency creates a sense of safety, security and predictability that are essential for family health and harmony - just like it maintained the mental health of the miners.
• Responsibilities - Every miner had a job. One was the medic, one was in charge of documenting their days, etc... This gave them a sense of purpose and focus.  Again, the same is true for families.  We have to give our kids age-appropriate responsibilities to give them a purpose and a buy-in that makes their contribution feel important as a member of your family.  It also makes them feel responsible for each other which is an essential element to being a member of any team.
• Resilience - As each miner came out of the mineshaft, they were examined by doctors.  In fact, I believe those medical and psychological evaluations are continuing today.  The reports are showing that these men were incredibly resilient.  Their health is better than expected, in most cases.  Some of the men were reported to have run in place each day to exercise while in the mine.  Maintaining optimism and under those circumstances - WOW!
• Joy! - Their hard work and hopefulness paid off - big time!  All of the men got out safely, in much less time than was expected.  Their sticktuitiveness enabled them to feel successful.  I hope that every family learns from their experience.  By sticking to their rules and most closely held values, families can have positive and joy-filled outcomes, as well!  ...and maybe even have fun along the way!

• Stick with it, even when times get hard! 
• Find whatever tools you need to keep your wits about you.  
• Be a member of the team and a strong link in that chain.
• Take good care of yourself so you can be helpful to others.
• Never give up your hard work!
• Never give up hope!
• Keep your eye on the end-goal!
• Get help when you need it!

I hope this feeling of overwhelming happiness from watching the events in Chile stay with us all for a long time to come!

Wishing you all balance,

Bette