Trapped Miners Touch the Hearts of the World

I don't know about you, but I was rivetted to the television for 23 hours as the trapped miners were brought to the surface one-by-one.  I cried as each was reunited with family (we won't mention the mistress in THIS blog post - but it is a great subject for another day!)  Everyone I talked to had been watching, too, and commented on what a miracle it was and the jubilation in what could have been a huge tragedy.

I can't help but think that we are all touched by this story because we all feel trapped in some way or another.  We all want to be optimistic that we will be liberated from our confinement (real or imagined) and we were just shown proof positive that it happens! 

I hear from parents every day in my private practice that raising kids is harder than they thought it would be.  They feel stuck and even victimized by their kids' behavior.  Let's look more closely at the miners and what they have to teach us about staying sane under challenging circumstances. 

• Like the miners didn't anticipate the 69 days of isolation, many parents don't anticipate the feelings they experience when they become parents. Isolation, fear, stuck-with-nowhere-to-go, wondering if and how they'll get through it, looking for hope and tools for coping.
• Adjustment to the unknown - It took 17 days for the outside world to find out if the miners were alive and to let the miners know they were working on their rescue.  When we bring our little ones home, it takes at least that long to figure out what the heck we are doing, what the cries mean, what life will look like now on so many levels and the adjustments continue for about the next 20 years and beyond!
• Order and structure - One of the most important things that the miners did was to develop a hierarchy and a sense of order in their days. Someone had to be in charge, there had to be routines.  The same is true for our families.  Our kids need to know that we are the leaders, we will take care of the big decisions,  and that we know what's best and will act accordingly. Kids need to know that there are rules and boundaries and that those don't change from day to day.  That order and consistency creates a sense of safety, security and predictability that are essential for family health and harmony - just like it maintained the mental health of the miners.
• Responsibilities - Every miner had a job. One was the medic, one was in charge of documenting their days, etc... This gave them a sense of purpose and focus.  Again, the same is true for families.  We have to give our kids age-appropriate responsibilities to give them a purpose and a buy-in that makes their contribution feel important as a member of your family.  It also makes them feel responsible for each other which is an essential element to being a member of any team.
• Resilience - As each miner came out of the mineshaft, they were examined by doctors.  In fact, I believe those medical and psychological evaluations are continuing today.  The reports are showing that these men were incredibly resilient.  Their health is better than expected, in most cases.  Some of the men were reported to have run in place each day to exercise while in the mine.  Maintaining optimism and under those circumstances - WOW!
• Joy! - Their hard work and hopefulness paid off - big time!  All of the men got out safely, in much less time than was expected.  Their sticktuitiveness enabled them to feel successful.  I hope that every family learns from their experience.  By sticking to their rules and most closely held values, families can have positive and joy-filled outcomes, as well!  ...and maybe even have fun along the way!

• Stick with it, even when times get hard! 
• Find whatever tools you need to keep your wits about you.  
• Be a member of the team and a strong link in that chain.
• Take good care of yourself so you can be helpful to others.
• Never give up your hard work!
• Never give up hope!
• Keep your eye on the end-goal!
• Get help when you need it!

I hope this feeling of overwhelming happiness from watching the events in Chile stay with us all for a long time to come!

Wishing you all balance,

Bette

The Magic of Setting Limits

Imagine if you're a blind person and every morning when you wake up, you find that someone has moved all of the furniture in your house.  You bump into things at every turn and struggle to find your way even to the next room.  Eventually, you would probably stop getting out of bed or would go so crazy that no one would recognize you! 

The same is true for our kids.  I know it's kind of a stretch, but stay with me here.  If the rules change, shift or disappear altogether, our kids become confused.  In order for our kids to feel safe and secure and to be able to explore the world, they need consistent limits.  When their world is predictable, they aren't expending any energy on testing (ok, any more than is absolutely necessary!) and they are free to blossom and develop without any delays. 

Testing is a typical part of growing up, but when our kids test the limits and the limits are just where they found them the last time they checked, they move on.  That's why kids who have inconsistent limits have to test with their behavior on an on-going basis.  They are saying, "please take this power away from me!"  Kids with no boundaries experience anxiety, because kids need the adults in charge to BE IN CHARGE!

I challenge you to look in the mirror and see where your limits are a little loose that might be causing your kids some anxiety.  Do them (and you) a favor and give them the limits and boundaries they want and need!

Back to Center

I have a confession. I have been a bit lazy about my own parenting lately and it showed in my youngest daughter's behavior. She has been argumentative, angry, anxious, yelling, obstinate, defiant and just overall a total brat! Her older sisters were no longer willing to babysit for her because she was so defiant with them. She has been arguing with her dad and me and I knew something was out of balance. I just wasn't sure what was going on and, honestly, I kind of ignored it. Ok, truth? I was avoiding dealing with it. Of course, what happens when we avoid something? It gets worse until we finally decide to do something about it, right?

Things really came to a head this weekend. There was fighting, screaming, a telephone call from the kids interrupting our adult dinner out, and even something thrown at her big sister (that REALLY crosses the line!) I decided to dig my head out of the sand and to finally address what's been going on in my own house.

My husband and I sat down with our ten-year-old. We told her that her excellent brain, her wonderful athletic talents and her adorable face meant nothing if she wasn't a good person on the inside. We told her that her disrespect for us, her sisters and even her coaches was over! The consequence of throwing something at her sister was that she was forbidden to use anything with an on/off switch for two weeks.

This is the first time she has ever been "grounded". She has had many other consequences along the way, but we wanted her to know that we meant business and that we weren't letting her get away with anything this time!

Her reaction was astounding! She didn't argue. She didn't cry. She didn't even seem angry with us. In truth, there was a peacefulness that fell over her. She was the most delightful child to be with for the remainder of the day and evening. She took care of her responsibilities, she took her shower the first time I asked (that had never happened before) and she went to bed willingly and hugged me tight before she fell asleep.

I have been telling my clients for years that when you set the limits your kids need, they will thank you with their behavior. It's about time I took my own advice! More about why this worked like magic, to come!

Ahhh...peace feels good.

The Value of Perseverance

What do you think of as your greatest accomplishments? Raising my daughters is definitely up there, but I'm not quite done with that one.

Looking back, I consider getting my Marriage and Family Therapist license and finishing my new book two of my most rewarding accomplishments.

What makes them so significant to me? The fact that initially I didn't think I could do either of them! I just didn't have the confidence that I had what it took. Regardless, I took the necessary steps to embark on the journeys. Literally, leaps of blind faith!

Along the way, there were many moments in which I felt hopeless that the goals would or could be achieved. It was just too hard! Giving up would have been much easier!

But I kept moving forward. Some days felt effortless, but others felt like I was traveling through thick mud. Worse yet, some days felt like I was headed in the wrong direction altogether!

Then, the end became closer and more visible. In both instances, I remember feeling a little bit of disbelief that I might actually accomplish my goal! I also felt a little bit scared of what comes next.

The most important part for me was that I never gave up! Even when I REALLY wanted to!

My deepest hope is that I can now teach my daughters about the value of perseverance. Perhaps I've been teaching them all along?

At the end of that long road, is definitely the sweetest of rewards!

Tell your kids about your own difficult challenges and the wonderful benefits of
STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS!

Back to School

Well, today was the bittersweet first day of school. Bitter because of the wonderful lazy mornings of summer, the relaxing days on the beach and by the pool (in-between working, of course) and the slower pace we've all enjoyed.

My girls and I traveled to Washington, D.C. and enjoyed the sights of that great city along with a delightful visit with family. We went away for a long weekend and luxuriated by the pool. The best part, of course, was not having to do homework or make lunches!

The sweet part of starting school is that we'd all had enough of our togetherness. My kids were bickering like crazy and I think they were getting a little bit bored! (They probably wouldn't admit it, though!)

So here we are...school has started and a new chapter begins. I can't believe how big they've gotten and how much their friends grew during the summer.

With a new school year comes new responsibilities. Making lunches, putting backpacks away, keeping track of homework, washing gym clothes, and so much more!!!

What responsibilities can your kids take over that are age-appropriate?

Have a great school year!

Early to Bed, Early to Rise...

I'm a night person. I've been a night person for as long as I can remember. There is no greater joy to me than to stay up late and to sleep until noon. Maybe I'm getting old, but things are beginning to change for me.

For the past 4 weeks, I have been getting up most weekday mornings (ok, sometimes I need my beauty sleep) at 5:30 and heading to the gym. My daughter, Lauren, has begun joining me, too! Bonus!

I confess I have even grown to love it and look forward to those early mornings. I still don't like getting up in the dark or heading out in the cold, but those workouts work wonders for my psyche, not to mention my derriere! (Is that how you spell it?)

The best part of getting up to work out in the early mornings is that it doesn't take time away from my family (I used to go to the gym in the evenings when I went) and I don't have any excuses for not going. It's not like I have appointments to attend at that hour of the day.

It took a lot of motivation and some thinking outside of my typical comfort zone to get started. Now, it's just a given.

Happy New Year 2010

I'm often so amazed by the passage of time. Wasn't it just yesterday that we were looking ahead several years to 2000? Thinking about how old we would be in the year 2000 and what life might look like then. How, then, is it possible that it is already 2010? Where do the years go? Where do the decades go?

There is no better evidence of the passage of time than looking at our children and how much they have grown. In my mind, I still see myself as the mother of young children, but in reality, my kids are not so young anymore. My oldest is 18, my next daughter is 14 and my youngest is already 9!

The passage of time is a beautiful reminder of how precious each day is, how important it is to live in the moment and appreciate right now!!

Let's all resolve to worry less about the past and the future and to stay in the moment - we wouldn't want to miss it!!