I have a confession. I have been a bit lazy about my own parenting lately and it showed in my youngest daughter's behavior. She has been argumentative, angry, anxious, yelling, obstinate, defiant and just overall a total brat! Her older sisters were no longer willing to babysit for her because she was so defiant with them. She has been arguing with her dad and me and I knew something was out of balance. I just wasn't sure what was going on and, honestly, I kind of ignored it. Ok, truth? I was avoiding dealing with it. Of course, what happens when we avoid something? It gets worse until we finally decide to do something about it, right?
Things really came to a head this weekend. There was fighting, screaming, a telephone call from the kids interrupting our adult dinner out, and even something thrown at her big sister (that REALLY crosses the line!) I decided to dig my head out of the sand and to finally address what's been going on in my own house.
My husband and I sat down with our ten-year-old. We told her that her excellent brain, her wonderful athletic talents and her adorable face meant nothing if she wasn't a good person on the inside. We told her that her disrespect for us, her sisters and even her coaches was over! The consequence of throwing something at her sister was that she was forbidden to use anything with an on/off switch for two weeks.
This is the first time she has ever been "grounded". She has had many other consequences along the way, but we wanted her to know that we meant business and that we weren't letting her get away with anything this time!
Her reaction was astounding! She didn't argue. She didn't cry. She didn't even seem angry with us. In truth, there was a peacefulness that fell over her. She was the most delightful child to be with for the remainder of the day and evening. She took care of her responsibilities, she took her shower the first time I asked (that had never happened before) and she went to bed willingly and hugged me tight before she fell asleep.
I have been telling my clients for years that when you set the limits your kids need, they will thank you with their behavior. It's about time I took my own advice! More about why this worked like magic, to come!
Ahhh...peace feels good.
5 comments:
Very good advice and I feel better about myself when others show you that we are all human. My 9 year old is acting the same way and she has been grounded once before and you are right it worked! Time I pulled my head out and do the same thing. Thank you for being honest and open and sharing!
We're all in this together, Kerri! If we don't feel so alone in this journey, it's somehow easier to get through the bumps in the road. I'm here for support anytime!
Thanks for appreciating my honesty. I sometimes worry that people will think, "what kind of parenting expert are you?" My answer, of course, is, "a human one!"
Take good care! Bette
Ok so what's your advice for a mom of a 5 year old boy and 2 4 year old girls? My nanny is on maternity leave so I'm kind of winging it .... and all I've realized so far is that I don't pay my nanny nearly enough (I wish I could pay her more!!!) She needs like hazard pay or something! Seems to me that there are some OSHA violations going on in my house created by three kids under five! (arrgh!) And they know i'm a sucker. They will all scream and cry for 10 minutes to get something like....gum....and I finally relent. I try so hard (SO HARD) not to.....but I truly can't take the screaming. And telling them to go to their room is like.......trying to speak to a deaf person. They totally rule me and they know it. I recognize it. I just don't know how to get the he-doublehockeysticks-out of it!!!!!!!! Hellllllllp!
Mom from VA
Hi, Rachel! Great question! It's also a big question. Hang in there! There are several steps that I would walk you through in taking back your power as the parent and authority figure.
When you're inconsistent between your words and your actions (saying "no" and then giving in because they've worn you down), you give them the message that they are in charge. Trust me when I tell you that this actually scares kids and makes their behavior worse! They need you to be in charge so they are then free to grow, develop, explore, etc... When they think they are in charge, they expend their energies manipulating and looking for opportunities to engage in a power struggle.
Seriously, start with this and then call me and I'll give you the next steps. It doesn't happen overnight, but the fix is pretty simple, overall! 805-230-2464 PDT
My book is coming out next week. That might help, too, if you're interested!
You are a wonderful mom! Thanks for sharing your experience with the rest of us!
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