The Guile of Guilt

Today let's talk about mommy guilt!  We have so many outside influences telling us we are falling short, less than or never enough. Our inside voices are even more cruel when we self-judge or experience shame around our parenting. Today, give yourself a break and tell yourself that YOU ARE ENOUGH! We are all doing the best we can.  Take one small step to do something you've been wanting to do, but just haven't. That will make you feel better that you are taking an action! Action is the best antidote to guilt and anxiety!  What do you feel guilty about most?

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT
Balanced Parenting
www.BalancedParenting.com

from MOMIPEDIA on Facebook

Manage your expectations...

  I often say to my clients, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." It's so true.  Often, we hope that people will behave differently than in the past, but we forget that it's very unlikely and we become disappointed and frustrated.  The best thing you can do is to MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS REALISTICALLY based upon people's past behavior. If you expect something different, then you are the fool.  If you put this into practice you will find that you will be disappointed by people a lot less often.

This is a very common way that I see people set others up for failure in relationships.  When our expectations are unrealistic, we become quickly angry and disappointed and really the person is being consistent with who they always are.

Watch for this in your own relationships!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT, BCPC

Balanced Parenting

www.BalancedParenting.com

#parenting  #relationships

from MOMIPEDIA post on Facebook 4/27/16

How are you inconsistent?

Let's talk about being consistent. What happens when we are inconsistent with our kids? I remember when my kids were little and I would say we are leaving in 5 minutes. Then, I would talk to my friends for another 30 minutes. Then, when I was actually needing to leave, my kids didn't listen to me and I got mad. I wonder why! Because I said we were leaving so many times before when we didn't actually leave. Why should they believe me this time? In what ways might you be setting your kids up to fail like I did? When you say something, follow through or tell them that the plans have changed. Kids need to be able to trust our words. Please share with us here how you struggle to follow through or to be consistent with your kids.

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Balanced Parenting

www.BalancedParenting.com

Posted from MOMIPEDIA on Facebook

Surly kids!

Surly kids! Our kids get cranky for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are hungry, tired or just overcooked from a long day at school. Other times, our kids are overwhelmed from too much stimulation, too much homework or too many demands on them. In addition, anxiety usually shows up in kids as anger or defiance.  So, here's the bottom line: our kids' behavior is attempting to tell us something. It's our job to stay out of the behavior and rather than discipline them, reflect back what you think might be going on. "I think you've had a long day." Don't take their disrespect personally and help them to become insightful about what's triggering them for themselves. Then, in a happier moment, brainstorm some strategies for the next time. This parenting thing isn't for the faint of heart!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT, BCPC
Balanced Parenting
www.BalancedParenting.com

from MOMIPEDIA post on Facebook 4-6-16

When Life Throws Us Curve Balls...

Life is filled with surprises!  I know I don't have to tell you that. The true test of our strength and resilience is in how we manage the curve balls as they are coming at us and afterward.

The curve balls of life are not always welcomed, but I've learned that what is is and we have to deal with it.  We cannot curl into a ball and shut down in grief, fear or sorrow.  We have to keep putting one foot in front of the other whether we feel we can or not.  In my family, we have faced job loss, divorce, terminal illness, death, mental illness, challenges with our kids and all the rest that life throws at many of us.

This survival instinct to keep on going, no matter what, is what I worry about for our kids the most.  I see many parents insulating their kids from the sorrows of life or sugar-coating them for fear of their children's fear or inability to cope.  Perhaps these curve balls come at us repeatedly, at times, so that we have multiple chances in which we are able to build our coping skills as well as our children's.  Anytime we avoid an opportunity we are missing the chance to teach our kids what they will need most when they are adults and, ultimately, when we are gone.

I know...this is getting a bit depressing, but doesn't life get that way sometimes? What are the coping skills we can use right now to counter the effects of this newsletter?

• We can take a deep breath
• Go straight to gratitude to remember all that is good right now
• You could journal about this horrible woman who sent you a newsletter that sent you into a tailspin
• You could have a good cry
• We could choose laughter - go watch a funny movie or go to YouTube and watch a comedian perform for a few minutes (this releases happy chemicals in your brain!)
• Go outside and look at the beauty all around you - nature is the most healing tool you have and it's right there all the time
• Go for a walk or a run or go to the gym - exercise releases beautiful endorphins that relieve stress and make you feel happy
• We can sit with the truth and the sadness and trust that things won't always feel this way (Optimism! The ultimate depression-buster!)

Look, I just gave you some great tools not only for you, but for you to teach your kids, too!  This is the antidote to sadness and depression and your kids must have these tools in their pockets for their lives as they grow.  Instead of fearing their sad feelings, remember to be grateful that they are gaining the chance to grow stronger and better able to cope with this challenging school called LIFE!

Wishing you balance,
Bette Alkazian, LMFT
www.BalancedParenting.com

from the April, 2016 Balanced Parenting Newsletter

Growing Self-Esteem in our Kids!

Self-esteem! How do we grow it in our kids? First, we give them opportunities to do things for themselves.  When we step in and "help" or take over altogether, we rob them of the chance to feel good about doing something for themselves. We have to tolerate their frustration, allow them to be uncomfortable and let them get to the "I DID IT!" Stepping in communicates to our kids that we don't have faith in them.  We want them to have faith in themselves so we have to have faith first. Before offering assistance, ask if they'd like your help and then be sure to give them the space to try for themselves the next time. Express your confidence in them and stay out as much as possible. Listen for those times when your kids are proud of themselves and then please share with us here!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT
Balanced Parenting
www.BalancedParenting.com


From MOMIPEDIA on Facebook

Meltdowns!

Meltdowns! No one likes them and some parents feel assaulted by them when their kids are having a hard time. Here's a new way of looking at them that will hopefully give you some more patience and understanding. Lots of kids hold themselves together all day at school - swallowing their anxiety and even holding back tears, at times.  When they see Mom or Dad, they feel safe to let it out, hence, the after-school meltdown, the after-sleepover meltdown, the after-birthday party meltdown, etc... Our kids are just releasing what they've been holding in all day. Make the observation for them that they need to release their big feelings from the whole day (before or after the meltdown) and give them options for the future.  For example, a game of one-on-one, a bike ride or anything physical; a good chat about what was hard about the day; a creative outlet like drawing, painting, writing... Help your kids to navigate their big feelings without taking their behavior personally.

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT
Balanced Parenting
www.BalancedParenting.com

from MOMIPEDIA on Facebook