The Importance of Honoring Your Child’s Defiance (within Reason!)

On March 25, 1965, Martin Luther King, Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Alabama to protest the denial of voting rights for black people. For many of those marching, that day may have been the first time they stood up for themselves and used their voices and the first time anyone said to them, “You’re worthy of better”. There was great strength, confidence and hope that day.

I get a lot of calls from parents asking me:

“Why is my child so defiant?”

“Why does he fight me on everything?”

As parents, it is our job to teach kids where the limits are, but not to squash their ability to test those limits. That’s their spark, the fire in their belly and the life force of who they are. Strong-willed kids are harder to raise, but aren’t they better equipped for some aspects of adulthood? They already possess an inner strength that many people only wish they had!

“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Voltaire

How do we honor our children’s protests?

Read the whole article here!

Raising Heroes!

A couple of weeks ago I read a very sad article about a shooting at a school outside of Cleveland, Ohio. What happened at that school and in other school shootings is inconceivable. When we send our kids off to school we want to know and believe that our children are safe. In the midst of the sadness of this article which included the deaths of 3 students as well as other injuries, came an incredibly uplifting aspect to this story. A story of a man – a reluctant hero – who saved countless lives that day by confronting the shooter and, literally, chasing him out of the school. The brave man’s name is Frank Hall. He’s the assistant football coach at the school, a husband and father of four adopted sons.

Frank Hall’s actions were heroic.

Read the rest of my article here!

The Beauty and Ugliness of Spring

The beginning of spring is upon us! **Aaaaachooooo** (Excuse me)

The signs of new life appear everywhere. It’s actually a very exciting time to see the trees come back to life, the daffodils in bloom, the wisteria making its brief appearance on gates and walls… and there’s new hope in the air! Excuse me if I’m completely clueless about what spring is about considering that I live in Southern California, but there are some signs even in this typically warm climate that the beautiful season of spring is here. **Aaaachoooo** (Excuse me)
Read on here.

The Lesson of the Oscars

I love the Oscars!!!  I make it a point to see all of the “Best Picture” nominated movies and even try to see some of the nominated performances in other movies.  My mom and I do this together which makes it even more fun!  We have a ritual.  Around November, we start making our list of “must-see” movies.  During awards season, we call each other and we plan each coming weekend.  If we both have a free afternoon or evening during the weekend (or even a decadent weeknight) we plan where we’ll see it and what time we’ll meet.  We buy our popcorn (sometimes) and our ridiculously overpriced water bottles and we head into the theater with great anticipation. 

After the movie, we often go out for a bowl of soup and debrief.  The movies often spark conversations about relationships, life, philosophy, and even turn us into amateur movie critics.  It is so much fun! 

Of course, we repeat this routine as many times as necessary until we have seen all of the movies on our list.  It is so much fun and we wait with great anticipation for the Oscars Ceremony.  It is truly our reward for all of our hard work and dedication.  Ok, really, it’s tons of fun and gives me a great excuse to spend time together with my fabulous mom!

Last night was the big night! We got together to watch at my house on the big screen TV.  I made us a big salad and put out appetizers for us to nosh on throughout the evening.  Literally, we made a mini party.  Just the two of us!  My kids came in and out during the evening, but their commitment level is clearly not the same as Mom’s and mine.  My husband timed a visit to his Dad’s perfectly, so he didn’t have to witness the silliness and our overly loud exuberance as our favorites won or lost. 

We loved the show from start to finish! We enjoyed every minute of the red carpet – commenting on the dresses and the hilariousness of the question, “Who are you wearing?”  We waited with baited breath to hear the end of the sentence, “And the Oscar goes to…”  over and over again.  It was truly a labor of love shared by a mother and daughter who typically don’t allow themselves the luxuries of indulgence.  We both work hard and clearly have our priorities in order most of the year.  This is our one “cheesy” indulgence and we cherish the time together more than any other ingredient of this whole scenario. 

Here’s the irony: Today, the day after the Oscars, the television stations are crazy with reports about last night’s ceremony.  “Billy Crystal was wonderful!” “Billy Crystal was terrible!” “Everyone looked beautiful!” “Everyone looked so old!”  The reports are flying and the critics are working overtime being overly critical, to say the least.  I can hardly stand to listen to them.

Here’s my take on the whole thing.  Just like everything in life, you get out what you put in.  My mom and I put our hearts into the whole experience and made it wonderful for ourselves all along the way and it paid off.  It was wonderful – for us!  The bottom line is that if you don’t make a big investment, you don’t get a big payoff.  The critics are paid to be critical and I don’t care what anyone says, Mom and I loved every minute!

Teaching Kids About Government and Civics

Happy Presidents' Day!  Read my article posted to LifeBound's website about teaching our kids the importance of having a voice in our government, community and our world. 

Happy President’s Day! In addition to celebrating the birthdays of two very influential presidents, we are also in an election year. Unfortunately, in recent years the election process has become a bit of a media frenzy rather than an interesting process and lesson in government. That’s why it’s more important than ever to keep things in a healthy perspective.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Connor said:

“Knowledge of our system of government is not handed down through the gene pool. The habits of citizenship must be learned…”

Click here to read the whole article.

 

Valentine's Day

I love Valentine’s Day! I know that many call it a Hallmark holiday, but who wouldn’t love a day designated to tell those you love just how much you love them? Ok, go ahead and ask me, “What about those who get so sad on Valentine’s Day?” I say, that’s their choice! You don’t have to have a lover or a partner to enjoy the day. You also don’t have to be showered with flowers and chocolates and be taken for an expensive dinner in order for it to be magical. You simply have to MAKE it a great day.


As connected as we are these days, digitally, to everyone at all times, we are really so disconnected. We speak in “text” saying LOL and TTYL, but do we really CONNECT with each other? Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity, don’t you think?

Here are a few suggestions for making a real connection this Valentine’s Day:

Click here to read more on the LifeBound.com website!

Parents as filters for all that is coming at our kids!

Here was today's parenting tip on my Balanced Parenting  Facebook page:

"Parenting tip of the day: Be a haven of shelter! There are so many images (especially on television) that put our senses on overload. Everything is more - more dramatic, more graphic, more frightening, more, more, more seems to be what America is demanding. More of a good thing isn't always a good thing! Keep an eye on what your kids are exposed to, limit the extremes when possible and talk openly when you see something that is over the top. We have to be filters for them to protect them and educate them on what is "normal" now more than ever!"

I just felt like I need to elaborate on this, so I'm turning back to my long-neglected blog.  This is too important of a subject to stop there!  I must share my thoughts.

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy.  I've watched the show for years and love it!  I haven't watched it in a while as my television watching habits have changed.  TV has taken a back seat to many other activities such as working, writing and raising my kids, however, I confess that when I do watch TV, I'm addicted to The Food Network.  I digress.

**WARNING** The following may be a bit graphic!!!  **WARNING**

During last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy, there had obviously been a horrible accident.  Remember, I'm coming in without any idea of what has happened in previous weeks. There were dead and injured bodies all over the road, a traumatized teenage girl was asked to hold an injured baby and pump air into the baby's lungs. Meredith Grey had to stop a truck from running over the bodies in the road by using her own body as a shield, narrowly cheating death herself. 

Later, back at the hospital, that same traumatized teen had to watch both of her parents die, one after the other - with even more trauma in between and after.  Honestly, I'm too nauseous to even continue with the details. 

I know that drama is good and makes for great television.  I'll even admit that it was a good episode.  I just couldn't help but feel a little bit like the writers were taking cheap shots at getting me to cry by using the most extreme measures imaginable.  I was also very busy keeping my 11-year-old out of the room so as not to traumatize her sensitive, little nervous system or over-expose her to images that might have kept us both up all night. 

This show is only one example of many that are on television (thousands of channels, mind you) on any given day.  Has our society become so desensitized that we need extreme images to get a reaction out of us?  I think so.

This is the part I'm concerned about for our kids.  Will they become so desensitized that nothing will rattle them? Will they understand how precious life and safety are after seeing so much violence and so many injuries and deaths before their eyes on television?

That's where we parents come in!  It is our job to filter, buffer and limit the dangers our kids are exposed to.  Not only in life, but in their line of vision, as well.  Violent video games and graphic movies and television can take a toll on a growing nervous system.  Don't be afraid to say 'NO' to programming that is not age-appropriate for your kids.  As they get older and you can't filter as much of what they see, sit down with your kids and watch with them.  Don't be annoying, but talk to them about what you're seeing, share your thoughts and remind them of your values about life, relationships, etc...

My kids sometimes think I'm a real bummer - always reminding them that what they're seeing on TV isn't real.  I'm ok with that!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Balanced Parenting