The Beauty and Ugliness of Spring

The beginning of spring is upon us! **Aaaaachooooo** (Excuse me)

The signs of new life appear everywhere. It’s actually a very exciting time to see the trees come back to life, the daffodils in bloom, the wisteria making its brief appearance on gates and walls… and there’s new hope in the air! Excuse me if I’m completely clueless about what spring is about considering that I live in Southern California, but there are some signs even in this typically warm climate that the beautiful season of spring is here. **Aaaachoooo** (Excuse me)
Read on here.

The Lesson of the Oscars

I love the Oscars!!!  I make it a point to see all of the “Best Picture” nominated movies and even try to see some of the nominated performances in other movies.  My mom and I do this together which makes it even more fun!  We have a ritual.  Around November, we start making our list of “must-see” movies.  During awards season, we call each other and we plan each coming weekend.  If we both have a free afternoon or evening during the weekend (or even a decadent weeknight) we plan where we’ll see it and what time we’ll meet.  We buy our popcorn (sometimes) and our ridiculously overpriced water bottles and we head into the theater with great anticipation. 

After the movie, we often go out for a bowl of soup and debrief.  The movies often spark conversations about relationships, life, philosophy, and even turn us into amateur movie critics.  It is so much fun! 

Of course, we repeat this routine as many times as necessary until we have seen all of the movies on our list.  It is so much fun and we wait with great anticipation for the Oscars Ceremony.  It is truly our reward for all of our hard work and dedication.  Ok, really, it’s tons of fun and gives me a great excuse to spend time together with my fabulous mom!

Last night was the big night! We got together to watch at my house on the big screen TV.  I made us a big salad and put out appetizers for us to nosh on throughout the evening.  Literally, we made a mini party.  Just the two of us!  My kids came in and out during the evening, but their commitment level is clearly not the same as Mom’s and mine.  My husband timed a visit to his Dad’s perfectly, so he didn’t have to witness the silliness and our overly loud exuberance as our favorites won or lost. 

We loved the show from start to finish! We enjoyed every minute of the red carpet – commenting on the dresses and the hilariousness of the question, “Who are you wearing?”  We waited with baited breath to hear the end of the sentence, “And the Oscar goes to…”  over and over again.  It was truly a labor of love shared by a mother and daughter who typically don’t allow themselves the luxuries of indulgence.  We both work hard and clearly have our priorities in order most of the year.  This is our one “cheesy” indulgence and we cherish the time together more than any other ingredient of this whole scenario. 

Here’s the irony: Today, the day after the Oscars, the television stations are crazy with reports about last night’s ceremony.  “Billy Crystal was wonderful!” “Billy Crystal was terrible!” “Everyone looked beautiful!” “Everyone looked so old!”  The reports are flying and the critics are working overtime being overly critical, to say the least.  I can hardly stand to listen to them.

Here’s my take on the whole thing.  Just like everything in life, you get out what you put in.  My mom and I put our hearts into the whole experience and made it wonderful for ourselves all along the way and it paid off.  It was wonderful – for us!  The bottom line is that if you don’t make a big investment, you don’t get a big payoff.  The critics are paid to be critical and I don’t care what anyone says, Mom and I loved every minute!

Teaching Kids About Government and Civics

Happy Presidents' Day!  Read my article posted to LifeBound's website about teaching our kids the importance of having a voice in our government, community and our world. 

Happy President’s Day! In addition to celebrating the birthdays of two very influential presidents, we are also in an election year. Unfortunately, in recent years the election process has become a bit of a media frenzy rather than an interesting process and lesson in government. That’s why it’s more important than ever to keep things in a healthy perspective.

U.S. Supreme Court Justice, Sandra Day O’Connor said:

“Knowledge of our system of government is not handed down through the gene pool. The habits of citizenship must be learned…”

Click here to read the whole article.

 

Valentine's Day

I love Valentine’s Day! I know that many call it a Hallmark holiday, but who wouldn’t love a day designated to tell those you love just how much you love them? Ok, go ahead and ask me, “What about those who get so sad on Valentine’s Day?” I say, that’s their choice! You don’t have to have a lover or a partner to enjoy the day. You also don’t have to be showered with flowers and chocolates and be taken for an expensive dinner in order for it to be magical. You simply have to MAKE it a great day.


As connected as we are these days, digitally, to everyone at all times, we are really so disconnected. We speak in “text” saying LOL and TTYL, but do we really CONNECT with each other? Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity, don’t you think?

Here are a few suggestions for making a real connection this Valentine’s Day:

Click here to read more on the LifeBound.com website!

Parents as filters for all that is coming at our kids!

Here was today's parenting tip on my Balanced Parenting  Facebook page:

"Parenting tip of the day: Be a haven of shelter! There are so many images (especially on television) that put our senses on overload. Everything is more - more dramatic, more graphic, more frightening, more, more, more seems to be what America is demanding. More of a good thing isn't always a good thing! Keep an eye on what your kids are exposed to, limit the extremes when possible and talk openly when you see something that is over the top. We have to be filters for them to protect them and educate them on what is "normal" now more than ever!"

I just felt like I need to elaborate on this, so I'm turning back to my long-neglected blog.  This is too important of a subject to stop there!  I must share my thoughts.

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy.  I've watched the show for years and love it!  I haven't watched it in a while as my television watching habits have changed.  TV has taken a back seat to many other activities such as working, writing and raising my kids, however, I confess that when I do watch TV, I'm addicted to The Food Network.  I digress.

**WARNING** The following may be a bit graphic!!!  **WARNING**

During last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy, there had obviously been a horrible accident.  Remember, I'm coming in without any idea of what has happened in previous weeks. There were dead and injured bodies all over the road, a traumatized teenage girl was asked to hold an injured baby and pump air into the baby's lungs. Meredith Grey had to stop a truck from running over the bodies in the road by using her own body as a shield, narrowly cheating death herself. 

Later, back at the hospital, that same traumatized teen had to watch both of her parents die, one after the other - with even more trauma in between and after.  Honestly, I'm too nauseous to even continue with the details. 

I know that drama is good and makes for great television.  I'll even admit that it was a good episode.  I just couldn't help but feel a little bit like the writers were taking cheap shots at getting me to cry by using the most extreme measures imaginable.  I was also very busy keeping my 11-year-old out of the room so as not to traumatize her sensitive, little nervous system or over-expose her to images that might have kept us both up all night. 

This show is only one example of many that are on television (thousands of channels, mind you) on any given day.  Has our society become so desensitized that we need extreme images to get a reaction out of us?  I think so.

This is the part I'm concerned about for our kids.  Will they become so desensitized that nothing will rattle them? Will they understand how precious life and safety are after seeing so much violence and so many injuries and deaths before their eyes on television?

That's where we parents come in!  It is our job to filter, buffer and limit the dangers our kids are exposed to.  Not only in life, but in their line of vision, as well.  Violent video games and graphic movies and television can take a toll on a growing nervous system.  Don't be afraid to say 'NO' to programming that is not age-appropriate for your kids.  As they get older and you can't filter as much of what they see, sit down with your kids and watch with them.  Don't be annoying, but talk to them about what you're seeing, share your thoughts and remind them of your values about life, relationships, etc...

My kids sometimes think I'm a real bummer - always reminding them that what they're seeing on TV isn't real.  I'm ok with that!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Balanced Parenting

Work Hard to Live Happily Ever After

Having kids changes your relationship dramatically! Of course, you're all laughing at me right now and calling me "Captain Obvious", right? How can it not? You're more tired, the physical demands are immense, the emotional demands are even greater, there are financial strains and at the end of the day, we often don't have much left to give to our partners. Of course, kids also bring immense joy, fulfillment, fun and so many wonderful blessings!
Parents must push through all of those blessings and burdens and prioritize time with each other. Taking care of your marriage is essential on so many levels that I don't know where to start.

First, modeling a loving relationship for your kids is very important. How will they ever have loving relationships if they don't know what one looks like? Next, kids need to know that the whole world doesn't revolve around THEM. When parents put each other first, the kids learn to respect adults. They learn that they sometimes have to wait and that the world doesn't operate only for them. There are others who come first. This is so important in the fight against "entitlement".

Another key reason for parents to take care of their marriages is so that their kids will feel safe and secure. When Mom and Dad are doing ok, the kids are ok. The parents are the foundation of the family. When the foundation is solid, all is well with the world!

People are living longer and healthier lives than ever before. We are raising our kids for a much shorter percentage of our married lives. Wouldn't it be great if at the time our kids are all launched that we are so excited to travel and enjoy spending time alone again with our spouses? To me, that's the ultimate goal!!

The road to that goal isn't always easy. In fact, it can be a pretty bumpy road at times. That's true for most couples. The key is commitment. You don't leave when the going gets tough, you stay and work hard. That's the message I hope you want to teach your kids, as well, as benefit from yourself.

So, treat yourself to the marriage of your dreams and give your kids 1,000,000 gifts in the process!

To Spank or Not to Spank?

Les Brown's radio show had many people call in this week about the merits of spanking and, of course, those on the other side of the debate as well. Good Morning America reported this morning that 20 states in the U.S. still allow corporal punishment in schools. Parents sign a consent at the beginning of the school year and then have no recourse when their kids come home from school with bruises and severe markings on their rear-ends from being punished by their teachers, coaches, etc...

 

I WANT TO SCREAM FROM THE ROOFTOPS SO THAT EVERY PARENT, TEACHER AND SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR HEARS ME!!!!

 

SPANKING DOESN'T TEACH KIDS ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!

Whew! I needed to get that out! My goal every day when I wake up is to teach parents skills in raising their kids that those kids will then learn from and become amazing adults as a result.

 

When is spanking ever applicable in adult life? When our bosses annoy us do we get to spank them? When our roommates in college don't do their dishes do we get to spank them? When our neighbors let their dogs poop on our lawns do we get to spank them? NO!!! So, what could our kids possibly be learning when their teachers or parents spank them? They may be learning that when we get mad we should hit! Or that using a paddle is a good way to make lasting marks on a kid's bottom. Our kids may also learn to become incredibly angry and resentful at authority figures because of the violent reactions to their misbehavior. From my perspective, these are not useful lessons, obviously.

 

What can parents and teachers do instead that will make a more positive impact?

 

When kids are acting out, they should experience the natural and logical consequences of their choices. For example, if my child is acting disrespectfully, we will leave the birthday party or she will be removed from the room until such time as she makes a different choice. I know that this sounds simplistic, but there are always 1,000 available tools OTHER THAN SPANKING that can teach our kids to behave better.

 

On Les Brown's radio show, some of the callers were saying that without spanking kids, they are likely to be undisciplined, entitled and poorly behaved. I beg to differ! When parents set appropriate limits and are consistent with those limits, kids grow up to be respectful, compassionate and well-behaved!

Here are a few of my favorite tools that can be used instead of spanking:

•  Removal from the situation 
• Loss of privileges when they show they cannot handle the responsibility that goes along with those privileges 
• Lead them by the shoulders without a word to remind them of the toys they didn't pick up 
• "Uh oh!" - when we need to remind them to use nicer words
• "Respectful ignoring" so we don't encourage bad behavior
• "Let me know when you're ready" - when they're not listening
• Use humor to diffuse a tense situation rather than escalating it
• Give them the words to say when they don't know how to say something respectfully 
• ...and so many more!

 Make a point to arm yourselves with as many parenting tools as possible so as to put spanking 1,000th on your list or remove it from your list altogether!!! Remember, your kids are watching and taking notes at all times!!!