Balanced Parenting Blog

Parents as filters for all that is coming at our kids!

2012-01-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

Here was today's parenting tip on my Balanced Parenting Facebook page:

"Parenting tip of the day: Be a haven of shelter! There are so many images (especially on television) that put our senses on overload. Everything is more - more dramatic, more graphic, more frightening, more, more, more seems to be what America is demanding. More of a good thing isn't always a good thing! Keep an eye on what your kids are exposed to, limit the extremes when possible and talk openly when you see something that is over the top. We have to be filters for them to protect them and educate them on what is "normal" now more than ever!"

I just felt like I need to elaborate on this, so I'm turning back to my long-neglected blog. This is too important of a subject to stop there! I must share my thoughts.

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy. I've watched the show for years and love it! I haven't watched it in a while as my television watching habits have changed. TV has taken a back seat to many other activities such as working, writing and raising my kids, however, I confess that when I do watch TV, I'm addicted to The Food Network. I digress.

**WARNING** The following may be a bit graphic!!! **WARNING**

During last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy, there had obviously been a horrible accident. Remember, I'm coming in without any idea of what has happened in previous weeks. There were dead and injured bodies all over the road, a traumatized teenage girl was asked to hold an injured baby and pump air into the baby's lungs. Meredith Grey had to stop a truck from running over the bodies in the road by using her own body as a shield, narrowly cheating death herself.

Later, back at the hospital, that same traumatized teen had to watch both of her parents die, one after the other - with even more trauma in between and after. Honestly, I'm too nauseous to even continue with the details.

I know that drama is good and makes for great television. I'll even admit that it was a good episode. I just couldn't help but feel a little bit like the writers were taking cheap shots at getting me to cry by using the most extreme measures imaginable. I was also very busy keeping my 11-year-old out of the room so as not to traumatize her sensitive, little nervous system or over-expose her to images that might have kept us both up all night.

This show is only one example of many that are on television (thousands of channels, mind you) on any given day. Has our society become so desensitized that we need extreme images to get a reaction out of us? I think so.

This is the part I'm concerned about for our kids. Will they become so desensitized that nothing will rattle them? Will they understand how precious life and safety are after seeing so much violence and so many injuries and deaths before their eyes on television?

That's where we parents come in! It is our job to filter, buffer and limit the dangers our kids are exposed to. Not only in life, but in their line of vision, as well. Violent video games and graphic movies and television can take a toll on a growing nervous system. Don't be afraid to say 'NO' to programming that is not age-appropriate for your kids. As they get older and you can't filter as much of what they see, sit down with your kids and watch with them. Don't be annoying, but talk to them about what you're seeing, share your thoughts and remind them of your values about life, relationships, etc...

My kids sometimes think I'm a real bummer - always reminding them that what they're seeing on TV isn't real. I'm ok with that!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Balanced Parenting

Work Hard to Live Happily Ever After

2011-05-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Having kids changes your relationship dramatically! Of course, you're all laughing at me right now and calling me "Captain Obvious", right? How can it not? You're more tired, the physical demands are immense, the emotional demands are even greater, there are financial strains and at the end of the day, we often don't have much left to give to our partners. Of course, kids also bring immense joy, fulfillment, fun and so many wonderful blessings!
Parents must push through all of those blessings and burdens and prioritize time with each other. Taking care of your marriage is essential on so many levels that I don't know where to start.

First, modeling a loving relationship for your kids is very important. How will they ever have loving relationships if they don't know what one looks like? Next, kids need to know that the whole world doesn't revolve around THEM. When parents put each other first, the kids learn to respect adults. They learn that they sometimes have to wait and that the world doesn't operate only for them. There are others who come first. This is so important in the fight against "entitlement".

Another key reason for parents to take care of their marriages is so that their kids will feel safe and secure. When Mom and Dad are doing ok, the kids are ok. The parents are the foundation of the family. When the foundation is solid, all is well with the world!

People are living longer and healthier lives than ever before. We are raising our kids for a much shorter percentage of our married lives. Wouldn't it be great if at the time our kids are all launched that we are so excited to travel and enjoy spending time alone again with our spouses? To me, that's the ultimate goal!!

The road to that goal isn't always easy. In fact, it can be a pretty bumpy road at times. That's true for most couples. The key is commitment. You don't leave when the going gets tough, you stay and work hard. That's the message I hope you want to teach your kids, as well, as benefit from yourself.

So, treat yourself to the marriage of your dreams and give your kids 1,000,000 gifts in the process!

To Spank or Not to Spank?

2011-04-03T16:44:00.000-07:00

Les Brown's radio show had many people call in this week about the merits of spanking and, of course, those on the other side of the debate as well. Good Morning America reported this morning that 20 states in the U.S. still allow corporal punishment in schools. Parents sign a consent at the beginning of the school year and then have no recourse when their kids come home from school with bruises and severe markings on their rear-ends from being punished by their teachers, coaches, etc...

I WANT TO SCREAM FROM THE ROOFTOPS SO THAT EVERY PARENT, TEACHER AND SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR HEARS ME!!!!

SPANKING DOESN'T TEACH KIDS ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!

Whew! I needed to get that out! My goal every day when I wake up is to teach parents skills in raising their kids that those kids will then learn from and become amazing adults as a result.

When is spanking ever applicable in adult life? When our bosses annoy us do we get to spank them? When our roommates in college don't do their dishes do we get to spank them? When our neighbors let their dogs poop on our lawns do we get to spank them? NO!!! So, what could our kids possibly be learning when their teachers or parents spank them? They may be learning that when we get mad we should hit! Or that using a paddle is a good way to make lasting marks on a kid's bottom. Our kids may also learn to become incredibly angry and resentful at authority figures because of the violent reactions to their misbehavior. From my perspective, these are not useful lessons, obviously.

What can parents and teachers do instead that will make a more positive impact?

When kids are acting out, they should experience the natural and logical consequences of their choices. For example, if my child is acting disrespectfully, we will leave the birthday party or she will be removed from the room until such time as she makes a different choice. I know that this sounds simplistic, but there are always 1,000 available tools OTHER THAN SPANKING that can teach our kids to behave better.

On Les Brown's radio show, some of the callers were saying that without spanking kids, they are likely to be undisciplined, entitled and poorly behaved. I beg to differ! When parents set appropriate limits and are consistent with those limits, kids grow up to be respectful, compassionate and well-behaved!

Here are a few of my favorite tools that can be used instead of spanking:

Removal from the situation
Loss of privileges when they show they cannot handle the responsibility that goes along with those privileges
Lead them by the shoulders without a word to remind them of the toys they didn't pick up
"Uh oh!" - when we need to remind them to use nicer words
"Respectful ignoring" so we don't encourage bad behavior
"Let me know when you're ready" - when they're not listening
Use humor to diffuse a tense situation rather than escalating it
Give them the words to say when they don't know how to say something respectfully
...and so many more!

Make a point to arm yourselves with as many parenting tools as possible so as to put spanking 1,000th on your list or remove it from your list altogether!!! Remember, your kids are watching and taking notes at all times!!!

Mother-In-Law Madness

2011-02-27T12:39:00.000-08:00

Mother-In-Law or Monster-In-Law?

Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

Mothers-in-law have historically gotten a bad rap. Why? For some the jokes are likely true, but that's not true of all mothers-in-law. Whenever I do speaking engagements and the subject of mothers-in-law comes up, the room explodes into fireworks. I've asked myself, "why is this such a hot topic?" So, I've decided to write an article and do some research on this subject.

I have been married to Jeff for almost 26 years. I'm incredibly lucky to have Terry as my mother-in-law. She's loving, supportive, non-intrusive, non-demanding and has made me feel loved like a daughter, not just a daughter-in-law. I truly admire her for how hard she works to ensure that her relationships with her kids and grandkids are filled with love and quality time together. She's also very smart and incredibly funny. She should absolutely give mother-in-law lessons! Even so, things haven't always been perfect. Inherent in the "in-law" relationship are complexities, to say the least.

I know that I'm very lucky and not everyone is. I hear stories from my clients and my students all the time about the difficulties they have with their mothers-in-law. Lack of respect, lack of understanding, lack of kindness, selfishness, demands...I'm sometimes astounded by the stories I hear. I've decided if I can write an article (and maybe a book, later on, with my mother-in-law), perhaps I can help bridge the gaps in these challenging relationships and teach some of the do's and don'ts for mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law and sons-in-law how their behaviors might be creating the difficulties.

Here are a few items from my research so far:

Mothers-in-law (MIL's) have better relationships with their Daughters-in-law (DIL's) when they engage in inclusive behaviors such as sharing family stories, calling her "daughter", etc...
MIL's and DIL's better relationships occur when the MIL is seen as warm or sweet in personality.
A better relationship is associated with a good relationship with the MIL's son or daughter.
A better relationship is associated with the spouse displaying loyalty to the DIL before the MIL. (That one's going to cause some fights tonight!)

There is so much more information that I will save for my article. Stay tuned. In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you about your relationships. E-mail me at bette@balancedparenting.com and put "mother-in-law" in the subject line. Thank you, in advance, for your input and sharing.

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Tiger Mother Thoughts Continued

2011-02-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

I'm going to share some more thoughts on The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua since now I have actually read the book. Amy Chua actually allows herself to be quite vulnerable and shares even the ugliest sides of herself. She admits the flaws in her philosophy, although, still holds on to the basic pillars of her beliefs in Chinese mothering.

My overall reaction is sadness. Watching Ms. Chua hold on to an argument with her daughter at all costs, including the cost of her relationship and self-respect. To me, it simply shows stubbornness, not a cultural lesson at all. The other impression I walked away with was that Ms. Chua experiences profound anxiety and uses her compulsivity and control of others to alleviate her own discomfort. This, too, was a great cause of sadness for me.

I appreciate Ms. Chua's honesty and even believe that perhaps Western parents should expect more of our kids than we do, but I do not condone her methods on any level.

This subject has been belabored in the media in recent weeks, so I will be quiet about it now. I just thought that my previous blog post was unfair because I hadn't read the book. I rest my case!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Bette Chimes in on the Tiger Mom

2011-01-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

Many of you have heard about "The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". This is a new book recently released about "Chinese parenting" wherein parents are demanding of extreme high achievement from their children, regardless of what they have to do to get there. The author, Amy Chua, has been under fire throughout the media for her parenting style and has been called abusive, among other things. She was interviewed on television and then came back for another after the onslaught of media attention and outrage. Time Magazine even came out with a cover article that asks, "Is she on to something?"

The good news is that she's gotten people thinking and talking about parenting. I always love that! She's raising two very accomplished daughters...who are we to argue with that? But at what cost?

First, I have to confess that I have not yet read her book. I am planning on it, but the buzz is now, so I thought I would chime in based upon the interviews I've heard and the articles I've read. So, I apologize in advance if some of my information is without context or misinformed.

Parents often tell me that the tools that I caution parents against actually work, so they're not willing to stop using them. I always say, "I don't argue with something that works for you. It's just my opinion and everyone has to do what works for them." However, there are sometimes unforeseen consequences of those choices that parents later come into my office and wonder how to remedy the aftermath. I wonder what those will be for Dr. Chua and her daughters.

Amy Chua has admitted to calling her children "trash" and other insulting things in an effort to make them strong and motivate them. From my perspective, that just creates anger, hurt, resentment and models very disrespectful treatment of another human. Especially one that she loves! I focus on modeling the kinds of behaviors we hope our kids will emulate when they become adults. Calling anyone anything unkind is not a behavior I would want my child to copy. Dr. Chua would probably argue that she hopes her daughters will raise their children in the same manner.

Dr. Chua (she's a professor at Yale, along with her Jewish husband) has also chosen a very difficult path of parenting her children in a style that is common for Chinese families, but she is raising her children in America. Therefore, she doesn't have the support of her community and the other parents around. This can potentially cause her children to feel "different" and socially outcasted.

Ok, rather than judging, let's look at the aspects of Dr. Chua's perspective that may have some merit. She says that "she is shocked and horrified at how much time Westerners allow their kids to waste - hours on Facebook and computer games - and in some ways, how poorly they prepare them for the future. It's a tough world out there!" Herein lies the fear that motivates her. She's afraid her own daughters will not be motivated nor equipped to handle life as adults. I get that! Many parents are over-indulging their kids and cushioning the blows that life hands out. Are we crippling our kids or loving them and trusting that they'll figure it out when the time comes? In addition, she lives in a world of achievers - being a professor at Yale is no small feat, not to mention that she is surrounded by students who all got into Yale! She wants her own children to achieve on a similar level and this is how she has chosen to accomplish it.

There has to be a healthy place in the middle somewhere between coddling and playing taskmaster. Dr. Chua describes forcing her 7 year old daughter to play a song on the violin over and over, through dinner and into the night with no breaks for water or the bathroom until she mastered the piece. One could argue that this teaches perseverance and the understanding of pushing through the discomfort to achieve mastery. Again, at what cost? Will she grow to hate her mother? Will she grow to hate the violin? Will she become angry and bitter because she wasn't given the love and compassion she really needed at that age? (At least in that situation) From my perspective, a child can learn the same lessons, but it doesn't have to happen all in one night. The same lessons of commitment to an instrument and perseverance toward mastery can all be taught and learned without abusive words and/or actions.

I believe that this whole brouhaha could end up being a blessing. Why not swing the pendulum a little more toward higher expectations of our kids, rather than overindulging them on all levels? We can certainly learn from Dr. Chua's perspectives, however, let's keep things moderate by avoiding abusive tactics and unkindnesses toward our kids!

Wishing you balance,

Bette

New Year, New Life...

2010-12-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

As New Years' Eve is almost upon us, rather than continuing to look back, (as all of the TV stations are doing) let's look ahead! What's on the agenda for you for 2011?

I have big plans! I'm starting a doctorate program January 1st (what am I thinking?) I finished my Masters program 21 years ago and I feel as though it's time to update my education! In a field that's only around 60+ years old, being out of school for 20 years means that I've missed the last third of the research! Time to remedy that!

I continue to participate in the Good Morning America Advice Guru Search - which, of course, I hope will continue into 2011 and beyond! Whatever happens with it, I know that I'm meant to reach large numbers of people and I'm ready to do just that! 2011 is going to be a big year for me! I have a lot of work to do in this world and I'm more ready than ever to do it!

So, I begin the New Year with bigger thinking than ever, bigger goals than ever before and bigger wishes for you all for YOUR big dreams to come true this year!

Happy New Year, Everyone!!! Feel free to share your wishes and dreams for the coming year for yourself and for others!

Wishing you balance,

Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Reflections on 2010

2010-12-20T13:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it's hard to believe that 2010 is coming to a close in only 11 days. How is that possible? Time certainly seems to be running in fast-forward right now. The days go slowly, but the years seem to fly by! My kids have grown a year older and I'm so proud of all they have accomplished. They are truly becoming the young women I'd hoped they would become. They are 3 of the many things for which I'm so grateful! I love you, girls!

2010 was a bittersweet year for me, as most are. There were amazing successes and accomplishments and there were sad and unimaginable losses...a reminder for us all that life is to be embraced and lived to the fullest, because we never know what tomorrow will bring.

The most important lesson that I take away from this past year is that we can get through it all - the good, the bad and the mundane. All we need is some good, old-fashioned support of our loving family and friends and a positive attitude that tomorrow will be a better day. On the tough days, hope is all we have and we must remember to have huge amounts of gratitude on the good days.

So, here's to a happy, healthy, successful, dreams-come-true and growth-filled 2011 for us all!

Please feel free to share your hopes and goals for the New Year!

The Holiday Crazies

2010-12-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

The holiday season comes with much joy and some baggage, too! For example, gifts to buy for so many (and enough money for only a few), parties to enjoy and some to merely tolerate, traveling to be with family, or having family travel to be with you...it's all wonderful and it's also a lot of work!

Be kind to yourself this holiday season and simplify, simplify, simplify!!! In lieu of gifts this year, make a donation to a worthy charity on behalf of those you care about. Perhaps get the same gift that will appeal to many of the people on your list making shopping easier. How about online shopping? Have those gifts delivered to your house directly! Easy! Choose recipes that don't take all day to give yourself a little extra time.

Be kind to yourself and to others to maximize the joy of this wonderful season!

No matter what you celebrate, I wish you and your family the happiest, joy-filled, and wishes-come-true holiday season!

More gratitude thoughts...

2010-11-16T20:17:00.000-08:00

If you pay close attention, there's so much to be grateful for in each day. A freshly bathed child smells heavenly! (My daughter just let me smell her after her shower.) The colors of the leaves in my neighborhood are magnificent! Nature is definitely the most creative painter with color! Today, I was stuck in the canyon trying to get over the hill to Malibu to visit my dear friend, Heidi. They were doing so much construction that traffic was literally stopped. We didn't move for nearly 20 minutes when I decided to take another route. It took me more than twice the expected amount of time to arrive at her beautiful home, but I was grateful for the breathtaking views along the way that I never would have seen had I taken the direct road. I'm not always aware of living in such a beautiful place! Once I arrived at Heidi's home, I was blessed with the reminders of dear friendship, I was moved by the absolute awe-inspiring beauty of our coastline and as Heidi calls it, the "diamonds in the water" as the sun reflected off of the ocean water.

I feel so grateful, as we inch our way towards Thanksgiving next week, to live in such a beautiful place and to be able to have the opportunities to take time to truly enjoy the view!

I Wish Thanksgiving was a Month-Long!

2010-11-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

November has become my favorite month of the year. The weather is beginning to cool, the leaves are changing color, the breeze is blowing and Thanksgiving is only a matter of days away. I've always thought that Thanksgiving gets a raw deal. It's sandwiched between the spooky and sugary days of Halloween and the indulgent, jolly days of Christmas and Hanukkah.

From my perspective, Thanksgiving is the best holiday of all. Ok, I love the turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie eating that lasts for days and I love the family time of being with relatives from far and near, but truthfully, those aren't my favorite parts of Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks; being grateful and expressing it! How cool is that? While we spend a lot of time giving gifts and receiving gifts all year long, how wonderful to have a day that's just about being thankful for what we already have! Here are some rituals that I love to do with my family around Thanksgiving!

I post gratitude quotes all around my house like decorations
I have a plain white tablecloth on the coffee table along with colored Sharpies and everyone who comes for Thankgiving must write the things for which they are thankful with their name and the date. This has turned out to be a very precious ritual as we have lost some dear family members and going back and reading what they wrote in years past is comforting.
Use past years' gratitude tablecloths as this year's food table cloth. (Using a plastic cover, of course) It's colorful and filled with special meaning for us all!
Gratitude is a common topic of discussion this month. We talk about that for which we are grateful and remember how lucky we really are. (This is a great practice for any time of year!)

I encourage every family to create their own Thanksgiving rituals! Giving some real time and attention to Thanksgiving communicates to our kids that we believe in its importance.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Trapped Miners Touch the Hearts of the World

2010-10-14T13:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but I was rivetted to the television for 23 hours as the trapped miners were brought to the surface one-by-one. I cried as each was reunited with family (we won't mention the mistress in THIS blog post - but it is a great subject for another day!) Everyone I talked to had been watching, too, and commented on what a miracle it was and the jubilation in what could have been a huge tragedy.

I can't help but think that we are all touched by this story because we all feel trapped in some way or another. We all want to be optimistic that we will be liberated from our confinement (real or imagined) and we were just shown proof positive that it happens!

I hear from parents every day in my private practice that raising kids is harder than they thought it would be. They feel stuck and even victimized by their kids' behavior. Let's look more closely at the miners and what they have to teach us about staying sane under challenging circumstances.

Like the miners didn't anticipate the 69 days of isolation, many parents don't anticipate the feelings they experience when they become parents. Isolation, fear, stuck-with-nowhere-to-go, wondering if and how they'll get through it, looking for hope and tools for coping.
Adjustment to the unknown - It took 17 days for the outside world to find out if the miners were alive and to let the miners know they were working on their rescue. When we bring our little ones home, it takes at least that long to figure out what the heck we are doing, what the cries mean, what life will look like now on so many levels and the adjustments continue for about the next 20 years and beyond!
Order and structure - One of the most important things that the miners did was to develop a hierarchy and a sense of order in their days. Someone had to be in charge, there had to be routines. The same is true for our families. Our kids need to know that we are the leaders, we will take care of the big decisions, and that we know what's best and will act accordingly. Kids need to know that there are rules and boundaries and that those don't change from day to day. That order and consistency creates a sense of safety, security and predictability that are essential for family health and harmony - just like it maintained the mental health of the miners.
Responsibilities - Every miner had a job. One was the medic, one was in charge of documenting their days, etc... This gave them a sense of purpose and focus. Again, the same is true for families. We have to give our kids age-appropriate responsibilities to give them a purpose and a buy-in that makes their contribution feel important as a member of your family. It also makes them feel responsible for each other which is an essential element to being a member of any team.
Resilience - As each miner came out of the mineshaft, they were examined by doctors. In fact, I believe those medical and psychological evaluations are continuing today. The reports are showing that these men were incredibly resilient. Their health is better than expected, in most cases. Some of the men were reported to have run in place each day to exercise while in the mine. Maintaining optimism and under those circumstances - WOW!
Joy! - Their hard work and hopefulness paid off - big time! All of the men got out safely, in much less time than was expected. Their sticktuitiveness enabled them to feel successful. I hope that every family learns from their experience. By sticking to their rules and most closely held values, families can have positive and joy-filled outcomes, as well! ...and maybe even have fun along the way!

Stick with it, even when times get hard!
Find whatever tools you need to keep your wits about you.
Be a member of the team and a strong link in that chain.
Take good care of yourself so you can be helpful to others.
Never give up your hard work!
Never give up hope!
Keep your eye on the end-goal!
Get help when you need it!

I hope this feeling of overwhelming happiness from watching the events in Chile stay with us all for a long time to come!

Wishing you all balance,

Bette

The Magic of Setting Limits

2010-09-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine if you're a blind person and every morning when you wake up, you find that someone has moved all of the furniture in your house. You bump into things at every turn and struggle to find your way even to the next room. Eventually, you would probably stop getting out of bed or would go so crazy that no one would recognize you!

The same is true for our kids. I know it's kind of a stretch, but stay with me here. If the rules change, shift or disappear altogether, our kids become confused. In order for our kids to feel safe and secure and to be able to explore the world, they need consistent limits. When their world is predictable, they aren't expending any energy on testing (ok, any more than is absolutely necessary!) and they are free to blossom and develop without any delays.

Testing is a typical part of growing up, but when our kids test the limits and the limits are just where they found them the last time they checked, they move on. That's why kids who have inconsistent limits have to test with their behavior on an on-going basis. They are saying, "please take this power away from me!" Kids with no boundaries experience anxiety, because kids need the adults in charge to BE IN CHARGE!

I challenge you to look in the mirror and see where your limits are a little loose that might be causing your kids some anxiety. Do them (and you) a favor and give them the limits and boundaries they want and need!

Back to Center

2010-09-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. I have been a bit lazy about my own parenting lately and it showed in my youngest daughter's behavior. She has been argumentative, angry, anxious, yelling, obstinate, defiant and just overall a total brat! Her older sisters were no longer willing to babysit for her because she was so defiant with them. She has been arguing with her dad and me and I knew something was out of balance. I just wasn't sure what was going on and, honestly, I kind of ignored it. Ok, truth? I was avoiding dealing with it. Of course, what happens when we avoid something? It gets worse until we finally decide to do something about it, right?

Things really came to a head this weekend. There was fighting, screaming, a telephone call from the kids interrupting our adult dinner out, and even something thrown at her big sister (that REALLY crosses the line!) I decided to dig my head out of the sand and to finally address what's been going on in my own house.

My husband and I sat down with our ten-year-old. We told her that her excellent brain, her wonderful athletic talents and her adorable face meant nothing if she wasn't a good person on the inside. We told her that her disrespect for us, her sisters and even her coaches was over! The consequence of throwing something at her sister was that she was forbidden to use anything with an on/off switch for two weeks.

This is the first time she has ever been "grounded". She has had many other consequences along the way, but we wanted her to know that we meant business and that we weren't letting her get away with anything this time!

Her reaction was astounding! She didn't argue. She didn't cry. She didn't even seem angry with us. In truth, there was a peacefulness that fell over her. She was the most delightful child to be with for the remainder of the day and evening. She took care of her responsibilities, she took her shower the first time I asked (that had never happened before) and she went to bed willingly and hugged me tight before she fell asleep.

I have been telling my clients for years that when you set the limits your kids need, they will thank you with their behavior. It's about time I took my own advice! More about why this worked like magic, to come!

Ahhh...peace feels good.

The Value of Perseverance

2010-09-06T14:04:00.000-07:00

What do you think of as your greatest accomplishments? Raising my daughters is definitely up there, but I'm not quite done with that one.

Looking back, I consider getting my Marriage and Family Therapist license and finishing my new book two of my most rewarding accomplishments.

What makes them so significant to me? The fact that initially I didn't think I could do either of them! I just didn't have the confidence that I had what it took. Regardless, I took the necessary steps to embark on the journeys. Literally, leaps of blind faith!

Along the way, there were many moments in which I felt hopeless that the goals would or could be achieved. It was just too hard! Giving up would have been much easier!

But I kept moving forward. Some days felt effortless, but others felt like I was traveling through thick mud. Worse yet, some days felt like I was headed in the wrong direction altogether!

Then, the end became closer and more visible. In both instances, I remember feeling a little bit of disbelief that I might actually accomplish my goal! I also felt a little bit scared of what comes next.

The most important part for me was that I never gave up! Even when I REALLY wanted to!

My deepest hope is that I can now teach my daughters about the value of perseverance. Perhaps I've been teaching them all along?

At the end of that long road, is definitely the sweetest of rewards!

Tell your kids about your own difficult challenges and the wonderful benefits of
STICK-TO-IT-IVENESS!

Back to School

2010-09-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well, today was the bittersweet first day of school. Bitter because of the wonderful lazy mornings of summer, the relaxing days on the beach and by the pool (in-between working, of course) and the slower pace we've all enjoyed.

My girls and I traveled to Washington, D.C. and enjoyed the sights of that great city along with a delightful visit with family. We went away for a long weekend and luxuriated by the pool. The best part, of course, was not having to do homework or make lunches!

The sweet part of starting school is that we'd all had enough of our togetherness. My kids were bickering like crazy and I think they were getting a little bit bored! (They probably wouldn't admit it, though!)

So here we are...school has started and a new chapter begins. I can't believe how big they've gotten and how much their friends grew during the summer.

With a new school year comes new responsibilities. Making lunches, putting backpacks away, keeping track of homework, washing gym clothes, and so much more!!!

What responsibilities can your kids take over that are age-appropriate?

Have a great school year!

Early to Bed, Early to Rise...

2010-02-28T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'm a night person. I've been a night person for as long as I can remember. There is no greater joy to me than to stay up late and to sleep until noon. Maybe I'm getting old, but things are beginning to change for me.

For the past 4 weeks, I have been getting up most weekday mornings (ok, sometimes I need my beauty sleep) at 5:30 and heading to the gym. My daughter, Lauren, has begun joining me, too! Bonus!

I confess I have even grown to love it and look forward to those early mornings. I still don't like getting up in the dark or heading out in the cold, but those workouts work wonders for my psyche, not to mention my derriere! (Is that how you spell it?)

The best part of getting up to work out in the early mornings is that it doesn't take time away from my family (I used to go to the gym in the evenings when I went) and I don't have any excuses for not going. It's not like I have appointments to attend at that hour of the day.

It took a lot of motivation and some thinking outside of my typical comfort zone to get started. Now, it's just a given.

Happy New Year 2010

2010-01-01T17:37:00.001-08:00

I'm often so amazed by the passage of time. Wasn't it just yesterday that we were looking ahead several years to 2000? Thinking about how old we would be in the year 2000 and what life might look like then. How, then, is it possible that it is already 2010? Where do the years go? Where do the decades go?

There is no better evidence of the passage of time than looking at our children and how much they have grown. In my mind, I still see myself as the mother of young children, but in reality, my kids are not so young anymore. My oldest is 18, my next daughter is 14 and my youngest is already 9!

The passage of time is a beautiful reminder of how precious each day is, how important it is to live in the moment and appreciate right now!!

Let's all resolve to worry less about the past and the future and to stay in the moment - we wouldn't want to miss it!!

Bittersweet sick days

2009-12-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Winter is definitely here. Ok, I admit that I have a lot of nerve considering the weather in Southern California "winter weather", but for this native Californian, it's cold! Frost on my car window and temperatures in the 30's in the morning qualifies as cold to me! Ok, so with the cold weather come colds and flu. My youngest daughter has been home with a dreadful cough for three days now.

She's not that sick, just sounds terrible. She's not demanding much of my nursing skills (lucky for her), she's just enjoying staying home and being in pj's all day!

There is a bittersweet aspect to her being sick, I'm ashamed to say. Cancelling all of my appointments, delaying my errands, even being in denial of the fact that Hanukkah starts in two days, gives me a much needed opportunity to take care of some business that would never have made it to the top of my priority list.

The point I'm trying to make is that I would never wish for my kids to be sick, but there is a silver lining to this cloud and that is: time together (we are both sitting on my bed together with laptops on our laps), quieting the chaos of daily life and getting some of those nagging "to do's" done.

Ahhh...I think I'll have another cup of coffee!

Laughing! Laughing! Laughing!

2009-11-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

I never underestimate the important of laughter in every day. Sometimes I take myself and my life too seriously. A little levity is just what I need. My favorite thing is to crack up with my kids. When we see something funny, watch a funny TV show (America's Funniest Videos is one of our favorites!) or just share a funny moment from our day...that's the greatest! The best thing is when we look at something ordinary and every day and give it a funny spin.

I challenge you to laugh with your kids more often! Make a point of laughing together at least twice daily. Even if you just read a joke book together. Laughter is the best medicine!

Potty Training

2009-06-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have received so many inquiries lately about potty training, I thought I would blog about it briefly. Potty training can be one of the most frustrating experiences or one of the easiest. You, the parents get to choose. Truly, if you just leave it alone and provide the space and opportunity, most kids will simply do it on their own. They may need your support, but the less emotional investment you have, the smoother it is likely to go.

If your child thinks he can please or displease you by using or not using the potty, you begin to add layer upon layer on top of the challenge that potty training already presents. The fewer the layers, the easier and smoother the transition is likely to be.

Here are a few thoughts to ponder that might make the whole process easier to tolerate:
1. All kids are physically capable of going on the potty long before they are emotionally capable of the responsiblity of staying clean and dry.
2. Kids are often scared of the prospect of dropping a part of their body (it came out of them, therefore, it is a part of them) into a bowl of water and flushing it away. It's a big and very scary concept when you don't have the broader perspective of an adult.
3. Because of the enormity of the developmental leap that goes with being potty trained, kids are watching us for cues to see how they are doing. We can let them know that it's great when they do it, but with very little pomp and circumstance. Don't start screaming, dancing and calling the grandparents. Give them a high five and ask them if they are proud of themselves!

Good luck and happy toileting!!

Reflecting on Softball Season

2009-05-09T13:37:00.000-07:00

Today is my daughter's team party marking the end of the softball season. It's bittersweet, really. It was a great season, but all good things must come to an end. There is a sense of relief not to have to get to the game, remember the snack shack schedule, etc... There is also a sense of loss. The excitement of the ups and downs of watching the games, the comraderie that has developed between the parents in the stands, and the sweet friendships that have developed between the girls.

I can't help but think about all of the amazing gifts that came from this softball season. We have met several families that I feel so blessed to call my new friends. My daughter's face lights up as she talks about an amazing play or an unexpected moment in a game. Sometimes, she still talks about a game several weeks ago. I know she really loves this sport! She has truly learned the meaning of the phrase, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game." I'm grateful to my husband, the coach, because when he talks to the girls after the game he doesn't say anything about the win or the loss; he asks the girls, "Did you have fun?" That's what it's all about!

Going on retreat

2009-04-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to a conference and will be gone for 3 days - by myself! I look forward to the education, connecting with colleagues, and getting my continuing education hours, but I'm most excited about getting away by myself. I feel guilty that I'm leaving my family. I'll miss my daughter's softball game and I'll miss being with them all.

The preparation for getting away is a huge undertaking in itself. Making sure everyone knows what time is what, how she'll get there and what to take with them. Not to mention, the dog's specific eating and medicine regimen after a recent illness. There are so many people (and dog) to worry about!

I need to get away and I'll take my guilt with me, but I'll also have time to workout, watch TV in the evenings and go to sleep early...which never happens at home!

I've decided to have a good time and hope that the house isn't a complete disaster when I get home! I highly recommend that other moms do it, too!

Trusting the Process

2009-04-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have read my Balanced Parenting Newsletter, you know what this is going to be about. As a parent, it is very challenging for me to resist the temptation to control things, especially my kids. The older I get and the older they get, the more I'm learning that I really have no control over them, nor should I.

Yes, I should maintain control of the authority in our home, along with my husband. That's how we help our kids feel safe knowing that we are taking care of the important things. But controlling my kids' behavior, that's a whole other topic.

I won't be able to follow them around all of their lives telling them what they "should" or "shouldn't" do. They have to figure it out for themselves and I have to remember that their behavior is NOT a reflection of me, nor is it a measurement of my parenting ability. My kids are their own people - people I adore, by the way - and they should make their own decisions. I won't always agree with them, but I must honor them and trust that, in the end, they are making the right choices for themselves in the long run.

When our kids are little, it may mean letting go of caring if our kids' socks match. As they get older, we may need to sit back and watch as our child befriends a kid we don't care for much. Ultimately, (as I'm learning currently) we can't choose our kids' colleges for them. They have to live with their choices, so they have to make the choices themselves. (Yes, I'm keeping my mouth shut as much as possible - and it's so hard!)

Let me know how you have quieted yourself and allowed your kids the space to do the right thing. Did they step up? How was it for you?

Looking forward to hearing from you and wishing you balance,

Bette

Where has the time gone?

2009-03-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling rather nostalgic today as I prepare to go visit two colleges this week with my oldest daughter, Lauren. Where did the time go? Isn't she still in preschool? Who is this young woman living in my house? In my mind, I'm still the mother of little ones. I struggle to wrap my brain around the fact that my daughter is planning to go away to college in merely 5 months!! Is she crazy? Doesn't she still need me? What if she gets sick? What if she's scared? In my mind, I'm still her Mommy and she's still my little girl. I guess I'll have to shift that picture in the coming months.

To those of you whose kids are still little, squeeze them a little extra today...instead of getting angry quickly, cherish the cuteness of their little rebellion, stop what you're doing more often and just watch them play; just listen to them as they chatter away to themselves or sing the little songs that are stuck in their heads. ...and be sure not to blink! Before you know it, you'll be checking out colleges, too!

Parenting and your Marriage

2009-02-04T17:51:00.001-08:00

I'm headed right now to go do a speaking engagement on the importance of taking care of your marriage while raising your kids. I always talk about how you must take care of yourself first and then bring your best self to your marriage. Then, you'll be able to have a happy and fulfilling relationship which will enable you to bring not only a happy YOU, but also a happy couple to the job of parenting. Then, it all falls into place. That and a few parenting tools, and voila! you have a happy family!

Take some time today to give to your relationship. It's not too late. It's never too little. Be kind, be giving and have fun! You'll be glad you did!

Just what I needed to hear...

2009-01-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

Do you ever find that whatever you needed happens to appear just when you needed it?

I have been contemplating writing a book, as you may know. Actually more than contemplating, I've been whittling away at writing. I do a little here and a little there, but I have had some roadblocks that keep me stuck. I realize that the stuckness is really based upon my fears and feelings of inadequacy. (I hope that everyone reading this has experienced that feeling, too, so I don't feel completely terrible about myself!)

Today, I decided to attend a teleseminar on writing in the hopes that I would get some inspiration and hear the words of wisdom that would make my book magically written before my eyes. Ok, that didn't happen. But I did hear exactly what I needed to hear.

I heard that no one can write my book but me because my passion for the subject will shine through better in my own voice than in anyone else's. I needed to hear that because I was trying in my head to pass the buck and get someone else to do it for me.

I also heard that it's ok to get stuck sometimes. Take a break and come back to it. It will look fresher and clearer in the light of another day or another hour. That told me that I'm not the only one struggling through the process. Whew! Just the support I needed to plug through.

So, from my experience, I hope I can inspire you to see the serendipity in your day and to listen to the messages you really need to hear today. They are there...they might be whispering, but they are there. Just listen.

Back to the book, now!

New Beginnings

2009-01-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's a new year - 2009. We have a new President and there is hope for new beginnings throughout the United States and even the world. I love that there seems to be hope in our country because these are tough economic times and to know that there is hope in the air, tells me that people are inherently optimistic.

That inspires me! I believe that hope and optimism are great tools in dealing with this crazy thing called life. Some people would call me "Pollyanna" or "idealistic", but to me having hope is actually a creative process. Where there is hope, there is possibility. When times are tough, it might be easy to give up, but to have hope means taking action and not giving up when things look bleak. The only failure is giving up, so when I see hope, I know that failure isn't an option.

Today, I'm motivated to inspire hope in my kids so that, no matter what, they are never willing to give up on their efforts or their dreams.

Take the opportunity to make 2009 a year of hope, inspiration and never giving up. Amazing things can happen!

Times of Uncertainty & Gratitude

2008-12-20T20:14:00.000-08:00

My family and I had the immense privilege today of helping out for a few hours at our local food bank. We accomplished so much and I was so proud of all of our hard work (along with a group of our dear friends) and the progress we made for Manna in Thousand Oaks.

During these uncertain economic times, more people than ever are turning to food banks to supplement or provide all of the food for their family.

I couldn't help but feel so much gratitude for all of the blessings in my life and to send blessings to the families waiting patiently for their turn to shop from Manna's shelves.

During this time of year - and any time of year - don't forget to say "thank you" for the many blessings around you. Even in the tough times, there is always something for which to say thank you.

Balanced Parenting

2008-05-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since I have updated my blog. I must confess that I, too, struggle with finding balance at times. As we all do! I believe that balance isn't a state that we live in, it is a state that we are always striving for, and as a result, we are constantly making corrective moves.

Life often gets away from us and we must remember to come back and find our center again. Doing that sometimes means putting things on the back burner that can wait, but won't overwhelm us later. It's about prioritizing what really matters and letting go of what doesn't. Letting go is a big challenge for some of us, but quite liberating when we finally succumb.

When evaluating your priorities, remember to put yourself first, your marriage second and your kids up there in the top three. Take good care of yourself to bring your best self to your marriage/relationships and to your kids; take good care of your primary relationship so that when the kids are grown and gone you will have someone there with whom you want to move forward; and, when those two priorities are cared for, you will bring an amazing parent to the table with your kids. Your buckets will be filled up, your support and internal resources will be in place and you will have all you need to make good choices in parenting your kids.

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Expectations

2008-01-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

Many parents come to me experiencing disappointment and frustration. I often find that what is really happening is that they have unreasonable expectations of themselves and their kids. We must keep in mind our child's developmental age and abilities in addition to what we have taught them up to that point. What can they handle? Are we expecting more than we should?

The other unreasonable expectation that I see frequently is that of moms and dads thinking they should be perfect all of the time. We are all learning, growing and developing, just like our kids. Go easy on yourself and do your best to do your best. Your kids will forgive you along the way if you learn to be forgiving of yourself.

Enjoy this wild ride called raising kids!

New Tools for the New Year!

2008-01-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

The first tool I recommend parents work on for this new year is their reactions to their kids' behaviors. How we handle a situation actually determines how things go. When your child behaves in a way that is challenging, appalling and even embarrassing, I challenge you to take a breath before reacting. Show no emotion, breathe, and think through how you want to handle the moment. Often, how we react to our kids' behavior sends the whole family down a "rabbit hole" of chaos.

Remember: Stop...breathe...decide on the best intervention.

Wishing you balance,

Bette

Where did 2007 go?

2007-12-18T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Mid-December, 2007. How did that happen already? I'm amazed at how quickly this year has flown by. We are headed into the holidays and before we blink, it will be 2008. It is so easy to get caught up in the craziness that defines each day and before you know it, the year has gone by and we didn't accomplish all that we had hoped. We are so busy being busy.

Join me in resolving to make 2008 a year of living and parenting with intention. Taking at least some moments in each day to appreciate the day, appreciate the kids at this age and just enjoy the moment before it's gone.

Our kids grow up so quickly. Enjoy each day and you will not only derive more pleasure from life, but you will be an incredible role model for your kids for living in the present and appreciating the gifts that each day brings.

Thanksgiving & Hanukkah 2007

2007-12-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving was here and gone. It is actually my favorite holiday because it doesn't involve the over-indulgence of anything except food and it reminds us to say "thank you" for what we have. Love that!

Tomorrow begins the holiday of Hanukkah. In my house, that means fitting the celebration in between homework assignments and showers, with lighting the candles and opening presents and hopefully, spending a few moments with each other.

Take a moment to enjoy this beautiful season and I will, too!

Thank a Veteran

2007-11-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

Be sure to tell your kids about Veterans' Day. Today is the day that we take a moment to say thank you to all of the men and women who have served in our armed forces and enabled us to enjoy the freedoms that we enjoy as Americans. Many have put their lives on the line and their families on hold in order to fight for and ensure those freedoms. Teach your kids about gratitude for the things we take for granted every day.

Welcome to the Balanced Parenting Blog!

2007-09-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

I am so excited that the Balanced Parenting community now has a blog. It is my hope that this will be a place for support, education and sharing for all parents. Feel free to ask questions here and I will do my best to respond and others will have a chance to share their experiences, too.

Periodically, I will share a parenting thought in the hopes of spurring some conversation or just provoke some thinking.

Here is a quote to begin the conversation:

"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be."
David Bly